The Story of How I Met My Dad at the Age of 28:
Part 4:
On Wednesday ... my life was still turning and winding and speeding forward like a hurried freight train -- and I was still COMPLETELY oblivious!!!
It was Wednesday night when I first thought that something was wrong. I was signed on to Facebook and noticed that my mom had tagged a bunch of random photos of me on her Facebook wall. I thought that it was very odd, so I turned to Tony (my husband) and said, "Opps, I think that I really hurt her feelings with that "which daddy" comment. I sure didn't mean too. In an effort to mend the wrong that I had made, I posted a comment on the photos ... "Mom, you don't have to just look at me in photos, lets meet for breakfast this weekend." We were going to have breakfast burritos at the park on Saturday morning. I was looking forward to seeing her to apologize in person.
On Thursday morning, I missed a call from Mom while I was getting ready for work; she left a voicemail. As I climbed in the car, I received a text from her asking me to give her a call.
Now here's something that evey kid knows ... we ALL know the signs when something is really bugging our Mom's. Rarely does a Mom have to say a word and her kid can already tell you that something is bothering her. For my mom, there is a sense of immediacy and urgency when something is eating at her. She doesn't like to let things sit and fester ... she likes to get things off her chest as soon as possible. Knowing this, I was getting kind of nervous when she tried to contact me by two different routes on Thursday morning. I returned her call as soon as I got on the road heading to work. After our morning greetings, she wanted to know if we could do dinner tonight instead of breakfast on Saturday. I must admit, I really started to get curious and paranoid. I've had bad news in the past ... this has been a route in which bad news was relayed before. When I told her that Tony and I had plans, she said okay then Saturday will work ... but then she inserted the dreaded words ... "I really need to talk to you about something when we meet, and I don't want to talk about it over the phone." In my whinnest kid voice I said, "MOM!!" My best translation for this tone and statement is "Mom, I really don't like this! Please throw me a bone and change your mind!" We debated the pros and cons of discussing something of great importance over the phone, and eventually she said ...
#more
"Well, you remember the other day when you said something about your dad ... [Ugh! I was thinking to myself ... I knew it! That comment really bugged her! That was sooo not cool of me!] So, I interrupted her and said that I was so sorry! I never meant to hurt her feelings. I didn't know why I said it. I was just being a goofy kid. When she responded with "No, that's not it, I know you didn't mean it. But here's the thing ... your comment brought feelings of uncertianity up for me. So, in an effort to ease my questioning heart that what your Dad said couldn't possibly be true, I looked another guy up on Facebook. Crystal, I was 16 ... how could I possibly remember the intimate details of my life after all this time? Honey, I saw his picture and I literally threw up!"
She said that she was so upset that she left work and made her husband meet her to talk with her. They decided that they owed it to me to see if Jimbo would even be available/willing to figure this out if I decided that I wanted to do so. As I said before, I completely respect the idea that they would have never ever brought this to my attention if Jimbo was not a gentleman about the entire situation.
She told me about the email that she sent and about his response. She told me every detail that she could remember about the call that they shared, and she patiently answered every question that I had. The funny thing about that morning is I know that we talked, and I know the summary of everything that we talked about, but I can't remember a single word that I said. All I remember is thinking, "DUDE!!!!!!! This is so NOT what I expected!!!!"
I know, I know. They aren't very profound words. I suppose that I could have brushed them up a bit for the sake of blogging, but it is was it is! ;-)
I remember calling Tony and explaining the situation to him. I remember wondering out loud "What am I going to do?" Then, I remember walking into the building and unlocking my office door. I sat down at my desk and just looked around for a bit. I was suddenly becoming completely aware that my life was turning and winding and speeding forward like a hurried freight train and it made me nervous!!! I had just started a new job, I had big plans for applying to graduate school programs and I was finding myself in a settled place for the first time in a long time. I had a choice. It was actually the same choice that had always been there, only now all the choices had names, and faces and lives attached to them. I could answer an question that has been hiding in my heart for quite sometime, or continue living my life as if the answer didn't matter. I was utterly confused and I did not know what to do.
My collegue walked into my office to review the plan for the day, as we did every morning. I'm pretty sure that one glance at my bug eyed face gave it away ... something was going on with me! I told her that I was sorry, I wasn't normally the kind of person that brought personal issues to the office, but today I was very preoccupied with my life. I told her that I needed a friend, and I am still so very thankful that she was there to listen to me think out loud. I don't know what I would have done that day without her!
Together we examined and compared every detail of every photo at my disposal. I wasn't sure that I saw the strong resemblence that my Mom saw between Jimbo and I, but at the same time, I had always had questions about my resemblence to dad. When trying to reconcile those questions for myself, I tried to take comfort in the thoughts that my half sister and I shared a physical resemblence. Maybe that meant that we were all questioning things for nothing?!?
The resounding question was WHAT IF????
My collegue and I searched the internet for any clues (besides DNA) that might be available to determine a person's paternity. We discussed silly things like recessive eye color (which didn't work because Mom and I both have blue eyes) and the ability to curl your tongue (which was also no help because Mom could do it too). So ... we decided baby photos! We needed to compare baby photos! I needed something more to help me decide that it was okay to cause upheavel in a person's life. I think back on it now and I laugh. As if Dad's life wasn't already in an upheavel. At any rate, I called Mom back and wondered if she would contact him to ask for photos when he was younger. Turned out, he didn't have any available ... all of his baby photos were at his parent's house. We found out later that the comparison of baby photos probably would have removed questions for everyone!!! We looked SO MUCH ALIKE as infants!!!
However, since we couldn't compare baby photos at that point, I needed to have some way to figure out what to do next. I also wondered what he might have been thinking about me. I considered the comment that he made to Mom about making new friends in life, and decided that I was a friendly person too. I sent him a friend request on Facebook which said,
Here's too the unknown. Golly, all kinds of wierd thoughts and feelings! All kinds of "what if's"! Hope that your mind and heart are finding a settled place about all of this ... I gotta be honest, I'm not really sure what to think. Mom says that you mentioned "If nothing else, I'll gain another friend in life". I like that motto and I agree.
He accepted the friend request a few hours later.
That evening I got home, talked more with my husband about everything and decided to write Jimbo an email. It said something like:
Hi there,
Let me begin this email by saying thank you. Thank you for being so respectful of me and kind to mom in this whole situation. I know that she is torn up about this and its so neat that you provided so much grace in your talk with her. Secondly, I am wordy when nervous or stressed. Emails are rarely short for me. ESPECIALLY with a subject of this nature.
I can't imagine how this has been for you. I've spent two years wondering about the possibilities. I remember those first few days ... they were not fun! The idea that I may have caused interference in someone else's life causes me worry ... and I am truly sorry if this has been a big, sleep stealing, gut wrenching mess for you.
I have tons and tons of questions ... but the one at the forefront is: What do you think? I guess that I am not as convinced as mom is about our certian physical resemblence ... but ... I've not been convinced of a resemblence to the person that I call dad right now either. Is this convincing enough for you that you are okay to move forward here?
Two years ago (almost three now) when my dad said that he didn't think that he was my dad, it tore my life apart. How could my dad believe that I wasn't his?!? Yeah ... not a great place to be. Golly, there's so much to that part of the story that contributes to who I am now, but mostly it creates a lot of hope for new beginnings. However, I'm also very cautious. I don't want to hurt like that ever again. I have worked very hard at creating a safe, comforting home and a loving marriage. I feel very, very good about myself and the place I am in life.
I've spent a lot of time talking with my husband and a few very close friends about where to go from here. The bottomline is I don't want to keep up with this guessing game. It's driving me insane! If I get to tell Dad that he doesn't have to question my relationship to him, then great. If there are relationships to develop, bring it on. But, the sitting and the waiting .... it's for the birds! I have also considered meeting and chatting, but I am concerned about too much hope and getting let down. Truth be known ... either way this is gonna be a challenge. If Mom has rattled you unnecessarily - that will be TERRIBLE. If your my biological father (geez, its kind of weird to say that), then I have to share that with my brother and sister and confirm it for my "dad"... also, not so fun. However, if it's true then it may help to provide peace in so many questions that I have had in life. I'm not sure what it will do for you and your family. This is a significant concern for me!
So really, I guess that the rest is a matter of logistics. If genetic testing (again - weird) is something that you are okay with (let me say again ... I never in my life thought that I would be typing this in an email ... this is weird) then I'd rather use a physician than a swab stick box from walgreens. I feel much more validated that way - and if there were ever any legal question about anything at all, then this test thing would be official. I have a very close relationship with my primary care physician. If you are willing, I'd like to talk with him about the next steps to something like this and figure out the details from there. I imagine that the process is pretty simple, but who am I to say that ... I've never been in this place before.
I guess that's all for now.
I look forward to your response.
All the best,
Crystal
P.S. My main purpose of friending you on FB was to let you see a glimpse into my life. Feel free to poke around and ask questions. I really need to know that you are okay with this, and that you are curious of the possibile answers to questions that are hovering.
As I type all of this, it makes me wonder. Why didn't I just go to the other guy and ask him to do the DNA test? Why did I get this new person so involved? Thankfully, it all worked out in the end! Funny, how life happens that way ... isn't it?
Anyway ... after that email the waiting began ... ugh! I wondered ... Will he think that I am some sort of fruit cake? Will he even respond to me? Does he think that we are some kind of scammers? In this day and age, can people really be this open and honest with one another? What is he like? What is he thinking about all of this? What is his wife thinking about all of this? The list of questions just went on and on and on!
Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long...
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