Happy "I Got YOU!" Day!!!

It's our 1 YEAR "I GOT YOU!" day!  I loved Dad's FB post to celebrate it: "What a year! I wanted to say thank you to the facebook friends that have been interested and listening! On 9/23/2010 I became a Dad, and it has been one the greatest things of my life.  I can't tell you how great it's been to go see my daughter play volleyball, teach her her how to fish and many other awesome things.  But, most of all it has taught me to listen and sometimes read between the lines.  Just want to tell everyone Thanks and I am open for pointers.  All kidding aside... Crystal I love you with all of my heart. Luv ya DAD"

I promise to blog more soon!!!!

Thank you guys for all the support and for reading!

~Crystal

Leaving "What if's" Behind

The Story of How I Met My Dad at the Age of 28:

Part 1: The Day it All Began

Part 2: Thank God for Facebook

Part 3: The Call

Part 4:  My first Email to Dad

His response came at 10:27 the next morning.  It felt like an eternity to me!

Good morning!  Could you please send me a phone number?  Trying to type when I am nervous is not a good thing.  I am willing to meet and do anything for you to have peace of mind.  When we talk I will try to answer any questions that you may have.  - Jimbo

His short little email answered so many of my questions.  First of all, he responded when he could have ignored me.  He was also nervous.  He didn't think that I was a fruit cake.  He was willing to meet with me, and he was so generous and kind. 

However, there was this one thing that created a sinking feeling in my stomach!  I really, completely despise talking on the phone.  Especially to someone that I do not know, and even more so if the conversation is something emotionally charged.  I would much rather talk with someone face to face so that I can see how they are receiving the information, or I am even okay to write to them, but the phone just creates a weirdness for me that is hard to overcome.  Weird, I know, but it's just one of those things for me.

I worried on and off throughout the day about what to say.  I didn't want him to think badly of me by disliking the phone idea, and I also wanted to be considerate of his request since he had been so kind to me. It was a busy Friday at the office, and I finally got the chance to respond to his email in the afternoon.  In the end, I decided to just be honest.

Hi there.

Apologies for the delayed response.  It's been a busy day at work.    I TOTALLY understand the nerves thing - I've had to work really hard to be productive today because of nerves.

I'll gladly share my cell (the number was here), but I must admit that I really despise talking on the phone.  I would rather communicate in person or in writing.  So ... if email is not for you ... maybe coffee is?  Would you be available/interested to chat in person?  I'm free all weekend - except for this evening.  I'm also available on Tuesday/Thursday evening of next week.

If agreeable, throw out a time and a place and we can go from there.  If not, no biggie - I can suck it up and get over my phone issues!  However, if this is the case, would it be okay if we planned it, so I would know when to expect the call?

Looking forward to your thoughts.

All the best,
Crystal

My First Interaction with Dad

The Story of How I Met My Dad at the Age of 28:

Part 1: The Day it All Began

Part 2: Thank God for Facebook

Part 3: The Call

 

Part 4:

On Wednesday ... my life was still turning and winding and speeding forward like a hurried freight train -- and I was still COMPLETELY oblivious!!!

 

It was Wednesday night when I first thought that something was wrong.   I was signed on to Facebook and noticed that my mom had tagged a bunch of random photos of me on her Facebook wall.  I thought that it was very odd, so I turned to Tony (my husband) and said, "Opps, I think that I really hurt her feelings with that "which daddy" comment.  I sure didn't mean too.  In an effort to mend the wrong that I had made, I posted a comment on the photos ... "Mom, you don't have to just look at me in photos, lets meet for breakfast this weekend."  We were going to have breakfast burritos at the park on Saturday morning.  I was looking forward to seeing her to apologize in person.

 

On Thursday morning, I missed a call from Mom while I was getting ready for work; she left a voicemail.  As I climbed in the car, I received a text from her asking me to give her a call.

 

Now here's something that evey kid knows ... we ALL know the signs when something is really bugging our Mom's.  Rarely does a Mom have to say a word and her kid can already tell you that something is bothering her.  For my mom, there is a sense of immediacy and urgency when something is eating at her.  She doesn't like to let things sit and fester ... she likes to get things off her chest as soon as possible.  Knowing this, I was getting kind of nervous when she tried to contact me by two different routes on Thursday morning.  I returned her call as soon as I got on the road heading to work.  After our morning greetings, she wanted to know if we could do dinner tonight instead of breakfast on Saturday.  I must admit, I really started to get curious and paranoid.  I've had bad news in the past ... this has been a route in which bad news was relayed before.  When I told her that Tony and I had plans, she said okay then Saturday will work ... but then she inserted the dreaded words ... "I really need to talk to you about something when we meet, and I don't want to talk about it over the phone."  In my whinnest kid voice I said, "MOM!!"  My best translation for this tone and statement is "Mom, I really don't like this!  Please throw me a bone and change your mind!"  We debated the pros and cons of discussing something of great importance over the phone, and eventually she said ...

#more 

"Well, you remember the other day when you said something about your dad ... [Ugh! I was thinking to myself ... I knew it!  That comment really bugged her!  That was sooo not cool of me!]  So, I interrupted her and said that I was so sorry!  I never meant to hurt her feelings.  I didn't know why I said it.  I was just being a goofy kid.  When she responded with "No, that's not it, I know you didn't mean it.  But here's the thing ... your comment brought feelings of uncertianity up for me. So, in an effort to ease my questioning heart that what your Dad said couldn't possibly be true, I looked another guy up on Facebook.  Crystal, I was 16 ... how could I possibly remember the intimate details of my life after all this time?  Honey, I saw his picture and I literally threw up!"

 

She said that she was so upset that she left work and made her husband meet her to talk with her.  They decided that they owed it to me to see if Jimbo would even be available/willing to figure this out if I decided that I wanted to do so.  As I said before, I completely respect the idea that they would have never ever brought this to my attention if Jimbo was not a gentleman about the entire situation.

 

She told me about the email that she sent and about his response.  She told me every detail that she could remember about the call that they shared, and she patiently answered every question that I had.  The funny thing about that morning is I know that we talked, and I know the summary of everything that we talked about, but I can't remember a single word that I said.  All I remember is thinking, "DUDE!!!!!!!  This is so NOT what I expected!!!!"

 

I know, I know.  They aren't very profound words.  I suppose that I could have brushed them up a bit for the sake of blogging, but it is was it is!  ;-)

 

I remember calling Tony and explaining the situation to him.  I remember wondering out loud "What am I going to do?"  Then, I remember walking into the building and unlocking my office door.  I sat down at my desk and just looked around for a bit.  I was suddenly becoming completely aware that my life was turning and winding and speeding forward like a hurried freight train and it made me nervous!!!  I had just started a new job, I had big plans for applying to graduate school programs and I was finding myself in a settled place for the first time in a long time.  I had a choice.  It was actually the same choice that had always been there, only now all the choices had names, and faces and lives attached to them.  I could answer an question that has been hiding in my heart for quite sometime, or continue living my life as if the answer didn't matter.  I was utterly confused and I did not know what to do.

 

My collegue walked into my office to review the plan for the day, as we did every morning.  I'm pretty sure that one glance at my bug eyed face gave it away ... something was going on with me!  I told her that I was sorry, I wasn't normally the kind of person that brought personal issues to the office, but today I was very preoccupied with my life.  I told her that I needed a friend, and I am still so very thankful that she was there to listen to me think out loud.  I don't know what I would have done that day without her!

 

Together we examined and compared every detail of every photo at my disposal.  I wasn't sure that I saw the strong resemblence that my Mom saw between Jimbo and I, but at the same time, I had always had questions about my resemblence to dad.  When trying to reconcile those questions for myself, I tried to take comfort in the thoughts that my half sister and I shared a physical resemblence.  Maybe that meant that we were all questioning things for nothing?!?

The resounding question was WHAT IF???? 

My collegue and I searched the internet for any clues (besides DNA) that might be available to determine a person's paternity.  We discussed silly things like recessive eye color (which didn't work because Mom and I both have blue eyes) and the ability to curl your tongue (which was also no help because Mom could do it too).  So ... we decided baby photos!  We needed to compare baby photos!  I needed something more to help me decide that it was okay to cause upheavel in a person's life.  I think back on it now and I laugh.  As if Dad's life wasn't already in an upheavel.  At any rate, I called Mom back and wondered if she would contact him to ask for photos when he was younger.  Turned out, he didn't have any available ... all of his baby photos were at his parent's house.  We found out later that the comparison of baby photos probably would have removed questions for everyone!!!  We looked SO MUCH ALIKE as infants!!!

However, since we couldn't compare baby photos at that point, I needed to have some way to figure out what to do next.  I also wondered what he might have been thinking about me.  I considered the comment that he made to Mom about making new friends in life, and decided that I was a friendly person too.  I sent him a friend request on Facebook which said,

Here's too the unknown.  Golly, all kinds of wierd thoughts and feelings! All kinds of "what if's"!  Hope that your mind and heart are finding a settled place about all of this ... I gotta be honest, I'm not really sure what to think. Mom says that you mentioned "If nothing else, I'll gain another friend in life". I like that motto and I agree. 

He accepted the friend request a few hours later.

That evening I got home, talked more with my husband about everything and decided to write Jimbo an email.  It said something like:

Hi there,

 

Let me begin this email by saying thank you.  Thank you for being so respectful of me and kind to mom in this whole situation.  I know that she is torn up about this and its so neat that you provided so much grace in your talk with her.  Secondly, I am wordy when nervous or stressed.  Emails are rarely short for me.  ESPECIALLY with a subject of this nature.

 

I can't imagine how this has been for you.  I've spent two years wondering about the possibilities.  I remember those first few days ... they were not fun!  The idea that I may have caused interference in someone else's life causes me worry ... and I am truly sorry if this has been a big, sleep stealing, gut wrenching mess for you.

 

I have tons and tons of questions ... but the one at the forefront is: What do you think?  I guess that I am not as convinced as mom is about our certian physical resemblence ... but ... I've not been convinced of a resemblence to the person that I call dad right now either.  Is this convincing enough for you that you are okay to move forward here?

 

Two years ago (almost three now) when my dad said that he didn't think that he was my dad, it tore my life apart.  How could my dad believe that I wasn't his?!?  Yeah ... not a great place to be.  Golly, there's so much to that part of the story that contributes to who I am now, but mostly it creates a lot of hope for new beginnings.  However, I'm also very cautious.  I don't want to hurt like that ever again.  I have worked very hard at creating a safe, comforting home and a loving marriage.  I feel very, very good about myself and the place I am in life.

 

I've spent a lot of time talking with my husband and a few very close friends about where to go from here.  The bottomline is I don't want to keep up with this guessing game.  It's driving me insane!  If I get to tell Dad that he doesn't have to question my relationship to him, then great.  If there are relationships to develop, bring it on.  But, the sitting and the waiting .... it's for the birds!  I have also considered meeting and chatting, but I am concerned about too much hope and getting let down.  Truth be known ... either way this is gonna be a challenge.  If Mom has rattled you unnecessarily - that will be TERRIBLE.  If your my biological father (geez, its kind of weird to say that), then I have to share that with my brother and sister and confirm it for my "dad"... also, not so fun.  However, if it's true then it may help to provide peace in so many questions that I have had in life.  I'm not sure what it will do for you and your family.  This is a significant concern for me!

 

So really, I guess that the rest is a matter of logistics.  If genetic testing (again - weird) is something that you are okay with (let me say again ... I never in my life thought that I would be typing this in an email ... this is weird) then I'd rather use a physician than a swab stick box from walgreens.  I feel much more validated that way - and if there were ever any legal question about anything at all, then this test thing would be official.  I have a very close relationship with my primary care physician.  If you are willing, I'd like to talk with him about the next steps to something like this and figure out the details from there.  I imagine that the process is pretty simple, but who am I to say that ... I've never been in this place before.

 

I guess that's all for now. 

 

I look forward to your response.

 

All the best,

Crystal

 

P.S.  My main purpose of friending you on FB was to let you see a glimpse into my life.  Feel free to poke around and ask questions.  I really need to know that you are okay with this, and that you are curious of the possibile answers to questions that are hovering. 

 

As I type all of this, it makes me wonder.  Why didn't I just go to the other guy and ask him to do the DNA test?  Why did I get this new person so involved?  Thankfully, it all worked out in the end!  Funny, how life happens that way ... isn't it?

 

Anyway ... after that email the waiting began ... ugh!  I wondered ... Will he think that I am some sort of fruit cake?  Will he even respond to me?  Does he think that we are some kind of scammers?  In this day and age, can people really be this open and honest with one another?  What is he like?  What is he thinking about all of this?  What is his wife thinking about all of this?  The list of questions just went on and on and on!

 

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long...

Opal Garton - December 08, 1918 to September 14, 2011

I think that Dad said it best, "With all the new beginnings that happen some things come to a end. Great Grandma Garton passed away yesterday at the age of 92.  I only hope and pray that I can touch as many lives and hearts as she did."

Personally, I am feeling so thankful that I had time to get to know this special lady.  She welcomed me into the family with huge open arms, and made me feel as if I had been there all along.  Today I found a short video clip of her that was taken by accident ... I felt very grateful to hear her voice and see her precious smile again.

MVI_0001.AVI Watch on Posterous

I cried yesterday when Dad sent me a photo of the new collage that she recently put up in her kitchen:

It was such a refreshing and comforting feeling inside to know that I was important to her.  I also really appreciated what my Aunt Cheryl had to say about it on Facebook yesterday:

Crystal Van Ness Carbone, she was so proud of you and loved you so much. You and Celeste (the only great-great grandchild) had the most pictures on her wall in the dining room. You are the oldest great grandchild (no matter how long it took for you to get to us) and Celeste is the youngest in the family. Perfect photos for her wall."

Even though her life on earth has reached it's end, she has created an amazing legacy that will live on forever in those lives that she touched - like mine!  There is such an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness that fills me up inside knowing that I got to experience time with this amazing lady!

 

The Call

A year ago today ... Mom returned his call.  I can imagine that the conversation was very awkward for both of them.  It must have been very difficult to choose the words to begin such a conversation.  I'm really not sure about many details of this conversation, with the exception of a few important details:

1.  Mom had my best interest at heart when she contacted this man without me knowing.  There is never any way to know how someone might respond to something like this.  What if he said "you are NUTS lady" or "don't ever contact me again" or any number of things that would have indicated that he was not interested in a kid!!!  She was intent on ensuring my safety and I will always be appreciative to her for that.   I didn't know that she had contacted this man, and I didn't need to know if he was going to be unkind to me.  I really am thankful for her heart in that decision.

2.  Neither of them had a clear recollection of "the night in question".  He said that Mom had too many details correct in her email for him not to be curious.  He never had children of his own, more out of circumstance than choice.  His wife, Becky, shared her two awesome kids with him ... but they were grown adults when Dad and Becky married.

3.  The Man on the other end of the phone line was very kind to My Mom.  I can imagine that she was incredibly nervous, and that she apologized many times for the unique nature of the call.  He never once responded with anger or resentment, only grace and curiosity.

4.  When Mom asked what he wanted to do about the situation, he consistently repeated that the decision was up to me.  If I wanted to meet him and talk to him, then he was okay with that.  If I wanted to forget this ever happened and move on with my life, he was okay with that.  If I wanted a relationship that was anywhere in between that continuum, then he was okay with that too.  Mom said that she tried in many different ways to gauge his feelings about the direction that preferred to take ... every single time he put my wants, desires and feelings first.

5.  Mom hung up the phone with a feeling that he was hesitantly excited about what the future might bring.  He had ended the call by saying, "If nothing else, I've gained a new friend in life."  That still makes me smile!!!

After a few hours, Mom sent another Facebook message:

Hello. I've copied my husband on this email, I'm sure you don't mind. I accepted your FB friend request lastnight, posted some pictures to my wall, and tagged you on a few for you to see photos of Crystal. I have made arrangements to meet Crystal at the park on Saturday morning for breakfast and a walk. I'll talk to her then and let you know how things went. Crystal is a deep thinker. She will likely be very upset for a week or two - talk to her husband, and then start processing. It's a precarious place for us all to be in.  Thank you for your kindness.  Donna~

Mom and I ended up talking about everything before Saturday arrived ... more on that tomorrow. :-)

Thanking God for Facebook, Strong Mom's & Manly Dad's

As I mentioned ... The day after Mom and I had that rather brief conversation by email [and I made that silly "Which Daddy?" comment], my Mom considered and pondered the email exchange for quite a while.

Later, she told me that my comment really caught her off guard.  She said that it was unlike me. It made her wonder if she could do anything to put my heart to rest once and for all.  Being curious, she searched for a particular name on Facebook.  She was hoping to find a photo, show it to me and put an exclamation mark where questions used to live.  Instead, she found an exclamation mark of another kind!   When she found his page, she found this:

and she compared it to this:

She said that she rotated around to her trash can at work, threw up, then promptly grabbed her purse and left the office.

Thanking God for Facebook, Strong Mom's & Manly Dad's

As I mentioned ... The day after Mom and I had that rather brief conversation by email [and I made that silly "Which Daddy?" comment], my Mom considered and pondered the email exchange for quite a while.

Later, she told me that my comment really caught her off guard.  She said that it was unlike me. It made her wonder if she could do anything to put my heart to rest once and for all.  Being curious, she searched for a particular name on Facebook.  She was hoping to find a photo, show it to me and put an exclamation mark where questions used to live.  Instead, she found an exclamation mark of another kind!  

When she found his page she found this:

and she compared it to this:

She said that she rotated around to her trash can at work, threw up, then promptly grabbed her purse and left the office.