The Story of How I Met My Dad at the Age of 28 continued (finally):
Part 1: The Day it All Began
Part 2: Thank God for Facebook
Part 3: The Call
Part 4: My first Email to Dad
Part 5: Leaving "What If's" Behind
Part 6:
I had such a sense of peace as I drove away from dinner on that special evening. I felt that no matter how things turned out, everything was going to be okay!!! However, despite knowing that everything would work out, there was one resounding question that was left rolling around in my head.
Did I just meet My Dad?
Since that night, I have thoroughly enjoyed hearing Dad tell others his version of the evening. He typically says something short and sweet to describe dinner ... "We met for dinner and talked for a long time. It was easy and it was nice." ... but my favorite part always comes at the end "... At the end of the night, I gave her a hug and watched her walk away. I was frozen in place, I looked up and repeated 'please let it be true, please let it be true.' "
I am forever humbled by the idea that a man who has built a life, with a lovely wife, no children of his own, grounded in stablity, predictablity and consistentcy would so easily be enamoured by little ole me.
It was Januaury 17 of 2008 and I was 25 years old, when I was told that there was question about my paternity. It was a hard pill to swallow. I felt rejected and abandoned, and I didn't understand how there could be questions about such a thing after all those years. In the end, I had come to the conclusion that it didn't matter. I was an adult. I had a very honorable life and I had a bright future in front of me. I was determined to accept the fact that my paternity did not matter.
After one muggy night, one conversation over two drinks at Chili's, two hugs from a man that once was a stranger - IT MATTERED! In fact, IT MATTERED A LOT! Apart from saying "YES!" to Tony on our wedding day, there was nothing that mattered more. I was determined to answer the question "Who is My Daddy?"
I drove home with no radio and no phone calls. Just me and my thoughts. Believe me ... those thoughts were loud enough.
I walked through the doors at home and tried my best to tell Tony about the details of the evening. I remember being very tangental and all over the place. I would begin telling him one piece of the story, then I would get side tracked by something else and have to go back to finish the original thought. I am thankful that he was patient and interested in every last word that I had to share. I am also thankful for his sick sense of humor and the ways that he made me laugh. It was during the conversation of that night that he told me that I should start taking notes about my journey. He said that there had to be a "Dummy's Guide" worth writing in the there somewhere. We jokingly began calling the journey "The Dummy's Guide to Who's Your Daddy?"
Chapter 1: How to overcome the shock of realizing that your paternity is questionable?
Chapter 2: Narrowing Down the Suspects
Chapter 3: To Meet or Not to Meet: The Pros and Cons
Chapter 4: So You Decided ... What the hell do you do now?
I'm so thankful that we could laugh. It made all the emotion much easier to digest. There was no need to hide the akwardness of the situation from each other ... just calling a spade, a spade really helped. This journey was never one that I imagined for myself, and it was a challenge. I'm so grateful that I never had to take a single step alone.
I decided to contact our family physician - Dr. Kenneth J. Stanley - who is honestly the greatest gift that God has given to the practice of medicine, in my humblest opinion of course.
It was a Saturday evening at about 8:30pm. Yes - I should have waited until Monday morning. That would have been the professional and "adult" thing to do, but what if he responded. What if he could help me navigate my way through this pickle. So ... I emailed him this:
Hi, Dr. Stanley, Hope that you are having a good weekend. My guess is that you are probably watching the Texas v. Tech game at this point in time :-)
I need your advice about something ... but it's sort of hard to describe. I think that an email that my mom wrote last week will describe the situation best ... this email is to a guy named Jimbo:
{inserted note detailed in previous post}
If you are saying “WOW!” right now, I wouldn’t be surprised! … that seems to be the normal response.
Since this email, I have talked with Jimbo and even met him for dinner (he is a VERY kind, big hearted guy – such a pleasant surprise given the situation). Neither one of us know what to expect from all of this or if it could possibly be true. I could describe my desires, but I’m not sure they would be relevant. What is relevant, however, is that we are both very interested in a paternity test. I have seen what Walgreens has to offer and wondered if a blood test would be more conclusive? What do you recommend for this kind of thing?
Ha! I’m acting so unaffected in email … it’s kind of funny to me because I am absolutely freaking out inside!!! All the “what if’s” are DRIVING ME NUTS!!!
Anyway, you can imagine how much immediacy I feel at this time. Sorry to take advantage of having access to you by email … hope that you understand.
All the best,
Crystal
Then ... I waited. Ugh! I hate waiting!!!! But ... since Dr. Stanley is so AMAZING, I didn't have to wait long. I had response back in a few hours:
Wow, and not just because you expected that response.
Just scientifically, the tests at Walgreen's are something like 98% accurate, so they are reasonably accurate.
Are you ready for the results (either positive or negative)? Also, will the results affect anything with your current status (marriage relationship, grad school, general psychologic well-being)? I actually got dizzy reading this- it's a lot to consider.You and Tony should pray about this. I know that's obvious, but I don't just give hard to figure out advice. Pray for how you would handle the results and if you really need to know. I don't know the answer, but I hope you find out what to do. Keep me informed.
At this point, I had to giggle to myself because he ended his note with "keep me informed." I'm not sure that he realized what he signed up for by using a statement that encouraged me to talk/type ... but this is what he got in response:
Golly, I can't express enough thanks for the super prompt response. You have brought up several very valid thoughts, all of which Tony and I have talked about in depth, prayed about and considered. To be honest, there is a hesitant air of excitement in our home about this. Tony is thankful for the potential family connections for me, and I vacillate between feeling completely overwhelmed by all the "what if"s to feeling blessed and honored that someone so responsible and kind could potentially be my biological father. I guess that we haven't ever really had the chance to discuss my story, but suffice to say life hasn't exactly been easy on several fronts - mostly caused by the decisions of my parents and family of origin. No matter what happens, I will continue to be as much a part of my family's life as possible - albeit with lots of firm boundaries to keep me and my little family safe. So … yes or no … won’t really matter for our relationship, it would just either confirm that I am a super resilient kid or maybe I was able to overcome because of different genes (and some spiritual altitude). Additionally, (and imporatantly) it would give me an idea of potential medical issues to look out for in the future. As far as potential for new dad (gosh ... it is really WEIRD to type this sort of thing) … he has no children and also seems hesitantly excited about the potential outcome. If yes, I think that it would be really, really easy to build a relationship with this person. He was very forward about the idea of introducing me to family, friends, etc. He also looked forward to meeting Tony. However, he was also really concerned about my current relationships. He said two or three times that he wouldn't want this information to be used as a dagger into someone else's heart. This was a surprising moment for me during our conversation. He sincerely cares and wants to avoid the potential of harm at all cost.
If no, we agreed that we share a very unique story in common. It would be easy to continue a friendship on that basis alone. He discussed the "excitement" that this has added to his life, and he would look forward to chatting about the crazy things that we went through together. He is a genuinely nice and considerate man.On the school front … I’m not letting anything get in the way of grad school. It is so important to me, and I feel that all the events in my life have pruned me for this experience.
Tony and I are slowly working through the marriage implications of this decision, but we are quite sure that God will work out the details. This turn of events in my life only seems to add more fuel to the fire of my passions.
On the psychological front … I have lots of support and feel really blessed to have so many people, including the consistent contact with a wonderful and supportive therapist, who care about me in this situation. I really am doing surprisingly well, given the circumstances.
In short, thank you for your concerns – sincerely -- , but I really do want to move forward with “finding out”, and I would like to do that with you. I think that the not knowing makes it really difficult to act in any direction – so everyone feels stuck. We are all shying away from the Walgreen’s swab sticks because a box kit doesn't feel very certian. What do you think? Every conversation in our home turns into “what if” and that is hands down the most challenging part about this … not knowing.Sorry for the book of an email … but I am happy to discuss the peace about where we are with this turn of events. Is it possible to schedule a paternity test at your office? Is that even a service that is offered?Thank you soooo much for your concern and your heart!
All the best,
Crystal
And, again ... Dr. Stanley did not disappoint:
You're right ... I don't have experience with paternity tests. We will have to look that up for you and let you know tomorrow or Tuesday. We'll give you a call tomorrow either way.
And finally ... my reply:
I guess there is a first for everything... just never thought that I would be the one to offer you the reason to gain this experience. ;-)I look forward to chatting with ya. Thanks for everything! I'm so thankful that you were avaliable by email this weekend. I'm SOOO very thankful that you responded, and just knowing that you are "working on it" is easying my mind significantly. Thanks for being a great friend and physician!All the best,
Crystal
Crystal
In short ... the first line for Chapter 4 of My Dummy's Book should read: Hopefully, you have a physician with whom you feel comfortable in confiding. He/She can assist in guiding you along the way. If not, I have learned a few things along the way ... more on that next time.
